My Awakening

This “blog” inspired by: http://youtu.be/kuSeQuptGBU – A Real Vampire on Awakening by Poorvamp.

My awakening wasn’t quite as quick in a single moment.. and apparently too long to post on YouTube XD

Real Vampirism

Not sure how old I was, but I was in middle school (between the ages of 11 and 14), my brother actually had a video game called Soul Reaver. This was my first, ever observed depiction of a vampire who both drank blood (while the main character was in the realm of the living) and “sucked souls” (while in the realm of the dead/ethreal) as it may be termed.. This both interested, and as a child who was frequently afraid of “what’s in the dark” without being able to describe or understand why or what, frightened me.

After an interesting dream, ( as briefly described here: https://www.facebook.com/notes/amelia-nightside/just-a-dream/168621253178277 ) The method I sought to combat my fear and uneasiness one insomniatic night was to learn. I got on the family computer and did a couple of web searches “Are vampires real?” and “Real Vampires” were what I remember searching for.

I clicked on the very first link at the top of the search list, which was an article by Inanna Arthen on Earthspirit.com. This article helped me a lot in combating my fears, but also opened my mind and eyes to some similarities I found. While I kind of scoffed at the idea of my being a vampire (simply because I had never had an interest in vampires of fiction, plus at this time, they were really only fiction to me still) I did find multiple people who shared similarities with the description I had found. Some were friends, some relatives, but the one most closely resembling the description was me, whether I wanted to admit it or not.

Around 13-14, I had my maternal and closest, most cherished grandmother pass away, a great aunt (paternal) (whom I wasn’t really in-the-know about) pass away and my father (protector, idol and best friend) was more or less ripped out of my life, at my hand, due to some personal demons of his being discovered. [1-2 years later my maternal grandfather also passed away. ]

At this time I had started becoming incredibly curious with spirituality and religion. My mother was looking for comfort and support in this way, and I tagged along out of sheer desire to learn. Everything was pretty well Christian based, but I was doing my own research on the side as well, asking as many questions as possible.

I was also beginning to stray a bit from mainstream ideals. I found myself on a web community for the “Gothic & Industrial lifestyles” in which I felt most at home. It wasn’t very long before I made a very close friend on that site. This friend introduced me, once again, to the world of Real Vampires via a webforum on this site.. Again, I didn’t think I would fit in at all , didn’t really care if I was one of them or not, but wanted to learn. My friend, during this time, also came out to me as a vampire, claimed he was empathic and made some subtle insinuations that this desire to learn wasn’t just innocent curiosity, and that I NEEDED to learn….

While I was socializing and learning a brother of mine and his small group of friends had begun dabbling in magicks and such. Some focused on basic energy manipulation, one went down the path of being a “dark” solitary witch (or so that’s how he made it out), they all dabbled a bit in “hunting” entities (such as evil spirits and the like. Purposely going into cemeteries and drawing out these entities). The “dark solitary witch” is the friend who, around this time began taking more of an interest in me and would sneak out of my brother’s room to come talk to me.

I never mentioned vampires to this guy, but discussed nearly everything else.

At this time I had been experiencing an increasing number of various paranormal(ish) phenomena. Anything from Dream travel, shared dreams, remote viewing, prophetic dreams, I perceived spirits and such entities more frequently and more intensely (sensing and seeing) .. It had gone on all my life as far as I can remember, but my awakening brought it on much stronger.

I also found myself experiencing incredible mood swings, with breakdowns (generally bouts of uncontrollable random crying, or an incredible urge to run, fly and rip out of my own skin). I eventually found the term Empathy, and upon further investigation realized that my “explosions” and mood swings were due to both this and the fact that I had not been controlling the energy within me. I was not actively feeding, nor was I doing anything to filter, shield or any such necessities of an empath or psychic/psionic/pranic/energy vampire.

This actually wound up with me seeing a number of professional psychologists/psychiatrist/counselors both in school and outside of, for a number of reasons (because of the family drama/trauma that had gone one, as well as my own instabilities mentally and emotionally – the paranormal experiences and mood swings – I wanted answers, and though I did not get them from the doctors, I felt it was a safe place to try).

Between my brother’s friend, my online friend and the information available to me, I was awakening to my abilities in energy manipulation and to my nature as a Vampire (whether I accepted the term or not)..

I practiced long-distance draws with a number of online-friends I’d made overtime and found that such alleviated my frequent headaches (had a migraine nearly every single day for a year when I was 13) and took the intensity off the mood swings. I began recognizing my auto-feeds (when I’d draw from a classroom, or particular classmate subconsciously) and found 1 classmate particularly interesting in that he would look right at me every once in a while during these draws (though it didn’t help that I was frantic in trying to stop it, and my body and facial language likely gave it away that I was uncomfortable) as if he was aware of what was happening..

It was suggested at some point during this time to try blood, which thankful for my boyfriend of the time, I was allowed to.

Therians & Otherkin

While in that online community, I was also introduced to the subject of Therians and Otherkin. Now, I have nearly always perceived phantom wings throughout my life, and had a very strong fondness and connection with wolves.

Though I did not understand it as anything more than mundane at the time, I expressed this “connection” as a young child (4-8 years old) through dreams (dream shifting), day dreams (fantasizing), role playing in games like “house” – instead of the pet dog, I was a cat or a protective wolf. I also created myself imaginary heros and characters such as Wonder Wolf (a wolf who could communicate telepathically with people, shape shift and fly) I often also pretended to be something of a gryphon having feline & wolf characteristics and wings. Whether separate entities or not, I’ve always felt they all were of the same whole, so expressing it all at once in some hybridized form just made sense to me.

– For the record my favorite animal(s) as a kid were numerous, though the wolf  (and felidae) always stayed in the back of my mind in some way, I personally claimed monkeys, pandas and horses, most frequently, as my favorite animals.-

Anyway, the community I was in had a number of self-identifying therians, to which I took with an open mind and a grain of salt. I loved the friends I made, regardless of what they thought they were. The subject itself I took in the same way, at first, that I did with Vampirism. I kept an open mind, as some things clicked, but at first didn’t think it would apply to me, so I just focused on what I knew, learning one thing at a time.

Around 16 or so is when I started entertaining the thought of possible Therianthropy and/or being otherkin. I began spreading out to other online communities besides the one I’d started on, I learned much more and slowly came to accept myself in this way as well.. I began recognizing more intense, and more frequent, phantom limbs, mental shifts and the like.

Conclusion as of this date.

I currently identify as (though feel my learning process, even 10 years later is not nearly finished) an Empath (though not needed to state I guess), Pranic/Energy/Psionic/Psychic Vampire. Polymorph(ic), Clado-feline & Timber wolf Therian/Otherkin.

The Vampirism is an aspect of my self as is the empathy. The therian/otherkin-ity are all separate creatures but of the same entity (me).

In a sense, I guess you could say I don’t know how or why I’ve come to be a vampire, Never really figured it out that far, though knowing that I am, at least in this life, I just am. I’m comfortable with myself and don’t NEED to know the how or why, just have to live with it as best I can.  Being therian/otherkin is more like having previous lives and those creatures are imprinted upon me as part of my identity, but I never felt, or remember, being such a hybridized form. The wolf, is a typical wolf, as is the Feline. The polymorph, I’m still trying to figure out if it’s truly an identity as an entity or if it was an aspect of me (Is it like the wolf and feline, or is it more like the empathy and vampirism).

My wings seem to be the most interesting, They are completely rooted in who/what I am, but I don’t know how or why. I don’t feel as if my wolf or feline forms have wings, but with the fact I have them, and often (though not always) experience them alongside my shifts and Hunger I wonder if they should.

.. I guess it’s as if, the wolf and feline are the past, they are still me but being human physically they are not at the front, they are a part of me, but as a memory, an impression. I’d love to be them again and feel either would be my “true” form, but the wings are much more strongly apparent. It’s very difficult to explain, I don’t understand it, which makes it that much more interesting…

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One thought on “My Awakening

  1. littlenightside says:

    To add:

    At first, I used to sit alone in my bedroom, ruminating in my mind about my reality, who I am, what I am and such things.

    When I began tossing around the new-found possible explanation of Vampirism and or being Otherkin (used as umbrella for O-kin & Therian) and Empathy (sensitivity/awareness to energy in general), I would argue with myself.

    In my limited knowledge I’d go over what I knew and what I may not have known about the world, if I were just creating this delusion or if it was indeed something real.

    I literally would experience throes at the time of mental and emotional breakdown, which may have appeared much like a temper tantrum, where I would cry and even scream to myself uncontrollably and without obvious reason. – This is something I rarely, if ever have mentioned to anyone, and the awareness of such behavior nearly convinced myself I was crazy, considering “only a crazy person would act like this”.

    I also experienced breakdowns involving crying separate of these moments. I believe this was my way of releasing not only my own pent-up emotions but those experienced of others.

    I wanted explanations, despite numerous doctors and psychologist professionals, my headaches, my mood swings, my chronic fatigue (as just my major issues) seemed nonexistent or completely normal to these people.

    I found no answers, no explanations, no reasons from professionals, though 1 more or less told me “anything is possible”. She explained to me why I could not, at the time, be diagnosed as bi-polar, and expressed open mindedness toward the idea of Vampirism.

    Concluding to the metaphysical, supernatural or paranormal just seemed scary, illogical and crazy to me.

    Over time, I have come to respect the idea a lot more and while I’m still not 100% positive (after almost 10 years because it can not be proven) I’ve at least accepted it as a possible explanation, have delved more into it for more specifics (type and what not) and become more comfortable with it.

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